is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
