its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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