So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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