from now on my penis is your penis
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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