the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
