wat bout pragnant strippers??
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
