I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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