you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
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