Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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