Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
