My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
