the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
