evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
