I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
