made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
