Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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