Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
