Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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