My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
