Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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