dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
