I think im going to throw up on grandma
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
