Already got asked if we're dating
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
