Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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