i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
