my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i think i have two assholes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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