I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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