then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
