new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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