the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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