i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
