If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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