I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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