made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
