I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
