Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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