you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
