i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
