this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize