Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
