could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
