i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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