And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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