So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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