dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
