I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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