so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
