i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
