Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
