hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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