Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this beer tastes like vomit already
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
