Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My breasts were aching with rage.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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