Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
