Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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