Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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